Birthdays and Changes

October is birthday central for our family. We have three of five birthdays this month, two of which have now passed.

I suppose I should say we did. Even though I think separation/divorce was the right choice for not just myself but my ex I find it difficult to realize that I don't have to do anything about his birthday. I wished him a good one, and I meant it. But was taken aback a bit (not upset or angered...just...surprised) that he wouldn't be spending time with his kids, and by extension me, on his birthday. We and our chosen extended family have gone out for dinner on each of our birthdays for what seems like forever. It just feels weird.

To top that feeling off, I had to work tonight. I am not supposed to be scheduled to work in the evenings on weeks I have my kids but this week not only did my manager forget (understandable...last week I worked two evenings for him due to emergencies on other employees parts) but the one evening he scheduled me this week was my youngest son's birthday. So his dad took the kids out after their Tae Kwon Do class...without me. Again, weird.

I've been divorced before. The first time, we were only married for four years and the situation between us was much worse. It was easy to have a stronger separation. This is different. This is eighteen-odd years of relationship and fifteen and a half of marriage and three children. I'm feeling my way through how this should look. No...how I want this to look. I'm sure he is as well. I'm sure we'll figure out what our relationship looks like now eventually, but right now it's hard and murky and difficult.