I just got turned on to a blog I'm excited to read into the new year, www.comfortqueen.com. The fabulous Crescent Dragonwagon (www.crescentdragonwagon.typepad.com) posted her Yule/end of year post on Facebook and I was immediately hooked. She looked back on lessons learned in 2009 and I thought I would do the same.
(an aside...it's funny how even though me leanings are toward Celtic Wheel of the Year practice, Yule still feels more like the end of the year to me than Samhain...)
This has been a year of BIG CHANGE. Looking back, I have learned the following:
- Depression is nothing to mess with and alters your perceptions of reality.
Being someone who is generally very in tune with her physical being and knowing what is going on with her body, realizing that what is going on with my mind is a much harder thing was difficult. It took three auto accidents in four days for me to realize that there was something wrong. I also learned that I am prone to the, "I feel fine, maybe I don't need my anti-depressents any more," trap, which sadly has been fed by my primary care physician. I'm not keen on pharmeceuticals for better living, therefore I'm going to try being off one more time in spring when the depression won't be coupled with seasonal affective disorder and my divorce will be final, and if that doesn't fly... I'll believe that I need them et perpetua.
- No matter how much I love someone, I can't fix other people and I am responsible for no one's behavior but my own.
I know this should be a no-brainer, but I spent ten years trying to convince my ex he had a problem that needed to be addressed, gave up, and am now watching him get involved in a new relationship and it sure seems that he's making the same mistakes. I really, really hope I'm wrong. I really like his new girlfriend and truly hope they'll find happiness together. Meanwhile, I'm still struggling with, "if I'd done things differently-itis," but recent events have pushed me over the edge to fully moving on. I have my own relationship and am working very hard at being fully cogniscent of my shortcomings (and his) and being responsible for the mistakes I made in my marriage and learning from them and doing my darndest not to repeat them.
- I have limits.
I tend to forget this and completely overburden myself. I feel like I'm capable of anything and don't realize I'm not until I'm in way over my head. This year this has caused my grades to suffer as has my musicianship in both Chorale and Take Note! and has kept me from doing any writing. All this when I've already given up acting for the time being! It's all I can do to get through school and work and parent and build a new life. I'm still failing at doing all of these things as well as I'd like. I know, however, that I can find the balance and build my new life to be healthier than the old one.
I am not a patient woman. I hate for things to be in flux and this year has been nothing but transitions. I am moving into the new year with the knowledge that I create my own reality and that by this time next year I will be preparing for my senior experience in college, be living in my own place, and have been legally divorced for at least as long as I've been separated this Yule. I will have stability where now many things are in unstable. I will no longer feel like I am walking on a funhouse floor.
This year I will also...
- Cook more
- Bake more
- Write more
- Adjust to my new financial situation
- Get the kind of grades I expect of myself
- Make time for yoga, hiking, biking
- Create the change I want to see in my life, if not the world
Wish me luck, folks. :-)
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